Donny’s Royal Tour: Lamp Hats, Chicken Ballotine, and Putin Betrayal

It’s hard to pick the highlight of Donny’s historic second state visit to the UK:

The Windsor banquet where he admitted he ate “whatever the hell they served us” (diplomatic refinement clearly intact).

The moment he bragged about seeing “more paintings than any human being has ever saw” — clearly getting ideas for his new White House ballroom that he fully intends to still be in power to see.

Or maybe when he told the world that Vladimir Putin had “really let me down,” like a jilted prom date, not a genocidal autocrat.

The Mad King then stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Keir Starmer at Chequers, pretending to be a statesman while lobbing his usual mixture of nonsense, threats, and free-floating grievances.

On Palestine

Donny managed, for once, not to combust entirely when asked about the UK’s imminent recognition of Palestinian statehood. He muttered about a “disagreement,” then patted Starmer on the back like a toddler congratulating himself for not flipping a table. For Trump, this is what passes as diplomacy.

On Immigration

When asked about small boat crossings in the Channel, Donny went full Mad King, urging Britain to call in the military. Why bother with policy when you can just declare war on desperate refugees? Starmer, clearly trying not to roll his eyes into the back of his head, countered with a line about “returns deals with France.”

Donny after all keeps dropping bombs on boats off the coast of Venezuela. No evidence has yet been forthcoming as to why he's sanctioned what is essentially murder.

On Ukraine

Donny’s pièce de résistance: “I thought it would be easiest because of my relationship with President Putin, but he’s let me down.” Nothing screams “global leadership” like whining about how your favorite dictator isn’t being a very good pal. Somewhere in Moscow, Putin probably choked on his caviar.

Oh did Donny completely misread the situation? Has he been played like a fiddle, again, because Donny is dumb as a rock?

On Free Speech

Asked about Vice President JD Vance’s crusade against European democracies, Donny ducked faster than draft dodging for bone spurs. Starmer, meanwhile, promised to defend free speech while simultaneously reminding us it has to be “balanced.” In other words: expect more muddle.

On Epstein

Yes, the Epstein-shaped elephant lumbered into the room. Asked about sacked Labour fixer Peter Mandelson — who, like Donny, once shared Epstein’s guestbook — Trump feigned ignorance with his classic line: “I don’t know him, actually.” Where have we heard that before? Oh right — every single time he’s asked about an inconvenient criminal associate.

Donny spent the entire Royal visit pretending not to know Prince Andrew too.

Claims to have solved more Wars

Donny made another embarrassing gaffe on the world stage by forgetting which war he’s “solved” and mispronouncing the name of one of the countries involved. For the second time in as many weeks, demented Donny boasted about settling a conflict between Azerbaijan and Albania, when he meant to reference Azerbaijan and Armenia. “I think that we settled Aber-baijan and Albania. 🤦

He's just so utterly embarrassing.

So there it was: Donny’s royal red carpet tour. A man who can’t pronounce “ballotine,” praising the royals like he’s auditioning for Downton Abbey, while shifting blame onto Putin, migrants, and the nebulous “radical left.”

King Don vs. the First Amendment

In his never-ending quest to cosplay as an autocrat, Donny has discovered yet another way to weaponize his fragile ego: threatening to yank broadcast licenses from networks that dare to say mean things about him. Because nothing screams “land of the free” like the president musing aloud about regulating the press into obedience.

It can't be overstated just how dangerous this is. We all know that Donny is a thin-skinned moron who can't stand to be criticised or mocked. Which is all the more reason to do it. But don't for a moment misunderstand how threatening this is - a government that does not allow negative press. Wake up America.

STOP CAPITULATING - IT WON'T WORK

This little tirade came wrapped in the pomp of an “official event,” where The Don turned the bully pulpit into his personal bully’s den. And, as always, the Cabinet of Courtiers nodded along like dashboard bobbleheads, each terrified of being the next to hear the words, “You’re fired.”

A License to Praise

The Don’s vision of press freedom is simple: if you’re Fox, Newsmax, or a TikTok influencer named Patriot69, your license is safe. If you’re critical, thoughtful, or God forbid accurate? Well, start packing — you’re one FCC tantrum away from being labeled an enemy of the state.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about national security or protecting the public. This is about Donny’s eternal vendetta against anyone who doesn’t kiss the ring. In his kingdom, the First Amendment isn’t a right — it’s a subscription service. Pay in praise, or risk cancellation.

The Court Jesters Cheer

And of course, his base eats it up. For them, this isn’t an assault on democracy; it’s entertainment. The Mad King railing against “fake news” is the closest thing they get to a Netflix special. They’ll chant Lock Them Up! at rallies, never pausing to think what it means when the president openly fantasizes about gutting the free press.

So no, Donny won’t be hosting a World Press Freedom Day celebration anytime soon. Unless, of course, it’s a gala featuring Sean Hannity, Kid Rock, and Melania’s latest lampshade collection. Until then, the rest of the media will keep ducking and weaving, balancing the truth on one side and the Mad King’s wrath on the other.

Because in Trumpworld, journalism isn’t about holding power accountable. It’s about how many licenses King Don can dangle over your head like a medieval executioner’s axe.

STOP CAPITULATING - IT WON'T WORK

Senate Rubber-Stamps Donny’s Rolodex of Cronies

In a stunt that would make even the laziest rubber-stamper blush, the Republican-controlled Senate just confirmed 48 of The Don’s nominees in one go. No messy hearings, no tough questions, just a conveyor belt of patronage zipped through under the benevolent gaze of Majority Leader John Thune.

This marathon of mediocrity was made possible by a conveniently tweaked rule change allowing block confirmations for lower-level posts. Because why bother vetting anyone when the Mad King demands his courtiers be seated immediately?

Among the newly anointed:

Kimberly Guilfoyle — former Fox News shout-machine and Don Jr.’s ex, now inexplicably the U.S. Ambassador to Greece. Because nothing says diplomacy like yelling “The Best is Yet to Come” at the Parthenon.

Callista Gingrich — wife of Newt, America’s eternal pundit-pest, tapped to represent the U.S. in Switzerland and Liechtenstein. Nothing like sending dynastic loyalty pledges abroad to remind the world what a serious country we are.

John Thune, ever the obedient pageboy, praised the whole affair as a “victory” against so-called Democratic obstruction — conveniently skipping over the fact that Democrats only object when the nominees are unqualified hacks or family friends of the court.

And Donny? In his usual display of statesmanship, he marked the moment by telling ranting about Chuck Schumer on hist shitty Truth Social app. Nothing screams bipartisan cooperation quite like caps-locked temper tantrums.

So now the wheels of Donny’s agenda spin a little faster, greased not by competence, but by loyalty and family ties. The Senate, once meant to advise and consent, has become little more than the Mad King’s HR department — and today, business was booming.

Donny Wants to Fire the Fed

In his never-ending quest to turn every independent institution into his personal plaything, Donny has now set his sights on the Federal Reserve. The Mad King is asking the Supreme Court to hand him the power to boot Governor Lisa Cook, a woman guilty of the high crime of not being a slavish Trump loyalist.

The backstory? Donny tried to oust her before, peddling some laughably unsubstantiated allegations of mortgage fraud. The appeals court tossed it out faster than a Don Jr. business pitch. But Donny doesn’t do “no.” He does “take it to the Supremes,” safe in the knowledge that his robed fan club has his back every single fucking time.

Independence? Never Heard of It

For over a century, the Federal Reserve has been independent so it can, you know, manage the economy rather than the president’s ego. But independence is meaningless to a man who thinks every institution exists to serve his whims. Courts? His personal legal team. DOJ? His attack dogs. Fed? Just another lever to yank when the stock market doesn’t worship him enough.

Lisa Cook vs. The Cult of Donny

Cook has denied all wrongdoing, but that doesn’t matter. This isn’t about truth; it’s about power. Donny wants her gone so he can stack the Fed with cheerleaders who’ll cut rates on command and pump his “Trump Economy™” fantasy. If he gets his way, monetary policy won’t be about inflation or employment. It’ll be about whatever keeps the MAGA ticker tape parade rolling.

Enter the Supremes (Not the Good Kind)

We all know how this movie ends. SCOTUS, with its Donny-appointed majority, will dutifully shred what’s left of the Constitution, just as they’ve done on immigration, executive power, and every other whim the Mad King dreams up. It’s not a court anymore. It’s a conservatory choir, harmonizing to Donny’s every grievance.

Here's their record so far: