Donny's Diary

Dear Diary, what a day! I, your favorite president, kicked off my legendary second term with some real winners. First, I pardoned 1,500 January 6 patriots—real Americans, folks! You call it sedition, I call it loyalty! The Democrats are crying hard, but it's no biggie—just another day for me.

Then I took a sledgehammer to that old 14th Amendment—who needs it? I signed an order to yank birthright citizenship from folks who dare cross our borders. Experts said it’s unconstitutional; I said, 'Very nice try, but it’s Tuesday!' That's my kind of law!

While the Democrats are out here fearmongering about a nonexistent crisis, I declared a national emergency at the southern border. Troops are rolling in—'cause you can never be too cautious! The left screams, but America loves it! It's about security, baby!

Oh, let’s not forget the environment. I pulled the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement like a boss and declared a 'national fossil fuel emergency.' You should’ve heard the shrieks from environmentalists—so beautiful! We're going big, folks; it's all about winning!

Next, I flipped Biden's silly policies upside down—78 executive actions gone in the blink of an eye, all signed with my Sharpie. DEI? More like DE-GONE! All ash, just like that!

And with EO 14149, I redefined 'free speech' to make America explore the wild world of misinformation. If no one fights fake news, how can we know what to think? Brilliant!

I slapped a 90-day freeze on foreign aid while keeping military dollars flowing. You know what they say: America First! Those other countries can wait while we serve up good ol’ American interests!

Then I went full revisionist—renamed Denali back to Mount McKinley. Geography teachers? Weeping at my brilliance! I’m shaping history, folks!

Oh, and let’s ice the cake with a hiring freeze—because bureaucracies need a good slash! Less talk, more action, right?

Last but not least, I signed the withdrawal from the WHO—can we trust them? Not a chance! Isolationism? Hello, let’s call it America’s fabulous independence!

The Democrats will scream, but guess what? NO ONE DOES IT LIKE ME! I am the legend, folks, the best there ever was! Stay tuned for more wins!