Trump Tanks Economy in Powell Tantrum; Markets Plummet as Gold Soars
We've got a stable genius on our hands. our very normal and extremely presidential commander-in-chief just took to Truth Social to absolutely eviscerate Jerome Powell for not slashing interest rates on command, because apparently the Federal Reserve is now supposed to be Trump's personal ATM. Markets responded exactly how you'd expect when the president of the United States decides to publicly kneecap the independence of the Federal Reserve. the S&P 500, Nasdaq, and Dow Jones all nosedived by more than 2.3%. Meanwhile, the dollar is now worth approximately what you'd find between your couch cushions, hitting a multi-year low while gold prices shot up past $3,400 an ounce as investors scrambled for something – anything – that might hold value in this economic hellscape. But hey, who needs global confidence in American financial institutions anyway? certainly not the guy who's bankrupted multiple casinos. Financial experts are warning that this kind of political interference could erode international faith in US financial governance, but what do they know? they're probably just part of the deep state cabal that refuses to recognise Trump's supernatural ability to will a good economy into existence through the power of all-caps tweets.
Easter at the Corporate House: Trump Turns Tradition into Amazon Prime Event
Remember when the White House Easter Egg Roll was just a nice little tradition where kids could hunt for colored eggs on the lawn? Well forget about that quaint nonsense because in Donny's America, even chocolate bunnies need corporate sponsorship. This year's "celebration" transformed the people's house into a dystopian shopping mall, complete with Meta's AI photo booths (because nothing says "cherished childhood memory" like having your face scanned into Zuckerberg's database) and Amazon-sponsored reading nooks where kids can learn heartwarming tales about union-busting and tax avoidance.
But wait! it gets better! while children were hunting for Easter eggs, inept Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was being hunted for a second scandal around sharing classified information over Signal. When confronted about this catastrophic security breach, Donny dismissed it as "fake news" then praised Hegseth for doing a "tremendous job" – because nothing says competence like showing state secrets on your phone at a children's event.
This is exactly why the founding fathers wrote the Easter Egg clause into the constitution. They specifically envisioned a future where the sacred White House lawn would become a corporate-branded funhouse where cabinet members could casually leak classified information.
Trump Pays Tribute to Pope Francis Following Pontiff's Death
President Trump announced plans to attend Pope Francis' funeral, marking his first international trip of his second term. Despite past criticisms from the Pope regarding Trump's immigration policies, Trump said he's looking forward to the funeral, psycho fuck. The funeral is expected to draw global dignitaries, with the Pope's burial plans breaking centuries of tradition.
Federal Contractors Mandated to Eliminate Affirmative Action and DEI Programs
Following Executive Order 14173, federal contractors were required to dismantle affirmative action and DEI initiatives by April 21. The order prohibits consideration of race, gender, and other identities in hiring, effectively rolling back decades of civil rights progress. Critics argue this move undermines workplace diversity and equity.
Protesters Chain Themselves at Columbia University Demanding Release of Detained Activists
Activists at Columbia University staged a sit-in, chaining themselves to campus gates to protest the detention of Mahmoud Khalil and Mohsen Mahdawi. The demonstration is part of a broader wave of campus activism against the Trump administration's immigration policies and suppression of dissent.