Day 185: King Don's Quirky Constitutional Capers

Epstein Files: Donny’s Name Just Keeps Popping Up

Back in May 2025, Attorney General Pam Bondi apparently told Donny the kind of news that really ruins a McDonald’s-fueled afternoon nap: his name allegedly showed up multiple times in Department of Justice documents tied to Jeffrey Epstein.

Naturally, the White House sprinted into damage control. Spokes-ghoul Steven Cheung was quick to insist that Donny actually expelled Epstein from Mar-a-Lago for “inappropriate behavior.” Because nothing screams innocence like a one-time wrist slap at a golf club.

Of course, this tidy little anecdote clashes directly with everything we already know - like Donny saying Epstein was a “terrific guy,” the private jet rides, and that totally-normal, definitely-not-sleazy birthday card he allegedly sent. The witness reports that Donny is every bit as guilty as everyone with a brain thinks.

But sure, we’re supposed to believe Donny was bravely drawing moral lines while surrounded by creeps, and not just another name in the ledger.

Funny how everyone else's names are getting redacted while Donny's just happens to keep surfacing. Almost like he's the main character in this whole sordid mess.

Born in the USA? Not If Donny Gets His Way

Donny’s long-running fantasy of repealing birthright citizenship just hit another speed bump, courtesy of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

In a move that shouldn't be surprising to anyone who’s read the actual Constitution (which Donny very clearly hasn’t), the court unanimously declared his executive order unconstitutional. That’s right: you can’t just strip citizenship from people born on U.S. soil because it doesn’t fit your authoritarian cosplay.

Quoting the verdict:

Translation: Nice try, Donny. Still illegal.*

This echoes what a district court in New Hampshire said earlier this month, but of course, Donny doesn’t take “no” well. So, off it goes to the Supreme Court, where the outcome is… let’s say… pre-scripted.

Because let’s not pretend the SCOTUS isn’t already warming up their rubber stamp. After all:

• They’ve already greenlit mass deportations.
• They gave a thumbs-up to dismantling the Department of Education.
• They blessed the Civil Service purge.
• And just recently, let Donny turn FEMA into his own personal chaos machine.

So yeah, there’s a very good chance they’ll shrug and go, “Sure, strip citizenship, sounds great.”

Obama to Trump: Allegations are "ridiculous and a weak attempt at distraction."

Donny’s back on his bullshit, this time accusing Barack Obama of orchestrating a “coup” against him over the 2016 election. You heard that right. The man who needed help spelling “hamburger” now claims Obama led a treasonous plot to steal the very election Donny won.

According to Donny, this isn't just speculation. Oh no, it’s “irrefutable proof” of sedition! Or as Donny actually pronounced it "sedation".

That’s right: Obama, Hillary Clinton, James Comey, James Clapper, and pretty much anyone who's ever looked at Donny funny are apparently part of some elite coup club that never quite got around to... you know, actually doing a coup.

All of this is based on, wait for it, a bizarre, conspiracy-soaked report from Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, the same Tulsi who’s now peddling fiction like she’s auditioning for a guest spot on InfoWars. Her 11-page fever dream accuses the Obama crew of manufacturing Russian interference evidence (because apparently Russia just hacked those DNC emails for fun?).

Obama’s office, usually silent in the face of Donny's daily word salad, finally broke its silence:

“These bizarre allegations are ridiculous and a weak attempt at distraction.”

Translation: Donny’s flinging garbage to distract from Epstein. Again.

Let’s be clear: The Gabbard report is a joke. It twists facts, cherry-picks intel, and conveniently ignores the actual 2020 bipartisan Senate Intel Committee report led by Marco Rubio, no less that confirmed Russian meddling to help Trump.

But facts don’t matter when King Don needs a new toy to shake. Especially now, when his name is floating around in Epstein-related documents like a bad smell.

Donny even said:

“Stop talking about nonsense.”

...which, in Donny-speak, translates to: “Please stop asking about the Epstein files and look over there!”

Classic misdirection. The sad thing is, it's all so predictable. The more cornered Donny feels, the louder he screams “TREASON!” and the more desperate the distractions become.

Tick tock.

Donny's Ivy League Shakedown

Columbia University is coughing up $221 million over the next three years because Donny’s administration decided it was time for some good old-fashioned strongarming, this time disguised as a civil rights crusade.

Apparently, Columbia's real crime? Not acting fast enough on alleged antisemitism during the Israel-Gaza conflict in 2023. So naturally, Donny’s Justice Department and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission marched in with their torches and pitchforks, sniffed around, and handed them a tab the size of a hedge fund manager’s divorce settlement.

And it’s not just the money. Oh no. Columbia has also been ordered to:

Reform its entire Middle East curriculum (because what better way to ensure unbiased scholarship than letting the government dictate academic content?)

End programs deemed to promote unlawful race-based outcomes (translation: anything that made conservatives feel uncomfortable)

Submit to an oversight regime that would make most authoritarian regimes proud

This isn’t about antisemitism. This is Donny’s revenge fantasy against “woke” universities made real. A multi-million dollar, policy-rewriting, DEI-scrubbing, curriculum-rewriting witch hunt dressed up as civil rights enforcement.

Let’s be honest - if Donny thought Columbia had a poster of him in the humanities building, none of this would be happening.

But hey, nothing says free speech and academic liberty quite like the federal government telling professors what they're allowed to teach and fining you into oblivion if you don’t clap hard enough.

And Shame on Columbia - stand up, fight back. Do not capitulate to fascists.

Land of the free, baby.