Doug Burgum: The Human Beige Paint Sample Who Accidentally Became a Presidential Prop
Doug Burgum. Remember him? No? That’s fine, neither does history. North Dakota's richest scarecrow somehow stumbled his way from selling software into the governor's mansion, and then, with the enthusiasm of a man sleepwalking into traffic, decided he should run for president. Doug has the charisma of a stone, so it surprised no-one that his presidential bid went nowhere.
Doug essentially ran on a platform of “I’m not as insane as the other Republicans, probably.” He launched his presidential campaign with all the momentum of a dial-up modem and spent tens of millions of his own dollars just to be mistaken for the valet at the first GOP debate. Seriously, he tried to buy his way onto the debate stage — not metaphorically, literally. He gave out $20 gift cards in exchange for $1 donations, because nothing says “grassroots movement” like bribing people for attention like a lonely tech bro on Venmo.
But let’s not forget his “governing experience.” As North Dakota’s governor, he ran the state like a VC-funded startup that no one asked for. Anti-mask tantrums? Check. Voter suppression cosplay? Check. Posing as a rugged cowboy while outsourcing everything to corporate consultants? Triple check. Doug Burgum is the kind of guy who thinks “freedom” means giving ExxonMobil the keys to your local school district.
And don’t let his folksy exterior fool you. Under that Patagonia vest is a heart that beats exclusively for oil lobbyists and private equity. He’s like a discount Mitt Romney with worse hair and personality. His idea of innovation is slapping a QR code on a tax cut for billionaires and calling it tech disruption.
After flaming out in the presidential race with all the grace of a wet fart in a wind tunnel, Burgum was briefly considered a candidate for VP, though despite being an obedient lapdog, even Donny saw his total absence of charisma as a problem.
So despite being yet another totally unqualified oligarch, we all have to pretend he’s a “serious voice” in politics instead of just another rich guy trying to cosplay as a public servant until his next board seat opens up.