Day 273: Diplomatic Disaster: The Don’s Clown Show in Colombia

Donny Misspells His Way Into a Diplomatic Crisis - Calling Colombian President a ‘Drug Dealer’

In what can only be described as a masterclass in international buffoonery, The Mad King Donny took to the podium — and then to his favorite toilet-adjacent social media platform — to accuse Colombian President Gustavo Petro of being, and this is a direct quote, an “illegal drug dealer.”

Yes, that’s the actual President of Colombia — sorry, “Columbia,” as Donny kept typing, like a man fighting a lifelong battle with autocorrect — being accused of narco-trafficking by a U.S. president who still thinks foreign policy is a reality show.

This diplomatic dumpster fire began after a U.S. military strike targeted a vessel allegedly linked to a Colombian leftist rebel group, killing three people. When Petro had the audacity to question America’s unilateral violence, The Don responded with all the tact of a bar brawler in a church:

“Gustavo Petro — very low rated, very unpopular, terrible leader. An illegal drug dealer, very corrupt. Needs to close up these killing fields immediately, or we’ll close them up for him, and it won’t be done nicely!”

Ah, yes — nothing builds trust between allies like veiled invasion threats and mobster syntax.

And just in case that wasn’t enough geopolitical sabotage for one day, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, the ex–Fox News mascot now inexplicably in charge of global warfare, chimed in to label Colombia’s rebel groups “the Al Qaeda of the Western Hemisphere.” Because what’s diplomacy without a lazy analogy and the promise of endless war?

Together, these two geniuses have turned U.S.-Colombian relations — once delicate, complicated, and crucial — into a flaming wreck powered by ignorance and testosterone. It’s like watching a drunk tourist slap a mariachi band and call it counterterrorism.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t “tough on crime.” It’s colonial cosplay, the delusion that America can still bully Latin America into obedience. Only this time, the bullying is being done by a man who spells “Colombia” like it’s a furniture brand.

And the best part? His Truth Social post, that unholy scroll of grievance and grammar crimes, featured not one but three different misspellings of the country’s name — “Columbia,” “Colunbia,” and, impressively, “Columbia again (sic).” You almost have to admire the consistency of his incompetence.

Meanwhile, Petro, who’s spent decades fighting against both right-wing paramilitaries and leftist extremists, responded with calm and class — something The Don couldn’t fake with a teleprompter and a tranquilizer. He said Colombia “would not be intimidated by threats” and reminded Washington that his country is a sovereign nation, not a client state.

But Donny doesn’t understand sovereignty. He understands dominance. In his head, Latin America exists to be lectured, bombed, or bought. And if you don’t play along, he’ll tweet about it in all caps until the State Department quietly apologizes behind his back.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the “America First” foreign policy in action:

Alienate your allies.

Embarrass your country.

Misspell everything along the way.

The Mad King’s tantrum isn’t just an insult to Colombia — it’s a flashing neon warning to the rest of the world: diplomacy is dead, replaced by late-night social media meltdowns and Fox News soundbites with nukes attached.

Somewhere in Bogotá, diplomats are quietly drafting statements of restraint while Googling “how to survive a relationship with an unstable empire.”

And in Mar-a-Lago, Donny’s probably still fuming that “Colombia” has that extra “o” — the only line of diplomacy he’ll ever truly understand is the one that separates his ego from reality.