Day 267: Shutdown Shenanigans and International Farce

Donny Holds the Country Hostage While Mike Johnson Polishes His Halo of Lies

Ah, the sweet stench of Republican governance — that unique blend of incompetence, cruelty, and the faint whiff of fascism. The Mad King Donny has done it again, plunging the U.S. into yet another self-inflicted crisis — a government shutdown now limping through its 13th miserable day, and somehow still being spun as the Democrats’ fault.

Enter Mike Johnson, America’s most sanctimonious yes-man and human embodiment of a fake church smile. This sycophant and pathological liar has announced that the standoff will continue until Democrats “abandon their demands.” What “demands,” you ask? Oh, just the radical, extremist notion that 15 million Americans shouldn’t lose their health care. Truly, the horror.

Let’s make one thing clear: this entire clown show is Republican-made. Every single ounce of it. These people control all three branches of government — the executive, the legislature, and a Supreme Court that spends half its time undoing the 20th century — and yet they still manage to blame Democrats for everything short of the bubonic plague.

Meanwhile, 21 Smithsonian museums and research centers have gone dark, doors locked, lights off. Public servants are being furloughed. Essential programs are being gutted. And Donny, the self-proclaimed “stable genius,” is gleefully weaponizing the shutdown like a toddler with matches, setting fire to the country just to see it burn blue.

But don’t worry, his loyal toadies have a plan: Vice President JD Vance has promised “more painful cuts ahead.” Because nothing says “patriotism” like gutting healthcare, starving families, and turning the National Mall into a ghost town. The military, in an act of accidental morality, has managed to keep its people paid using leftover funds — a stark contrast to the regime that sees ordinary workers as disposable.

Nearly half of all government shutdown days in modern U.S. history have now occurred under one man — and no, there’s no prize for guessing who. Donny’s name is now synonymous with dysfunction, decay, and delusion. The self-styled King of Chaos doesn’t govern; he throws tantrums at scale, holding the nation hostage while his cronies on Fox News assure us everything’s “going great.”

So here we are again: federal workers unpaid, government services paralyzed, and the ruling party blaming invisible Marxists for their own sabotage. The Mad King struts and tweets, Mike Johnson genuflects and lies, and the country slides further into the abyss.

Because in Donny’s America, suffering isn’t a bug — it’s the feature.

The Mad King Crowns Himself ‘Peace Broker’

Gather ‘round, peasants — His Majesty, King Don the Magnificent, has descended upon Israel’s parliament to remind the world just how lucky it is to bask in his orange glow. Dressed in delusion and drenched in self-importance, Donny strutted into the Knesset and delivered what can only be described as a cross between a campaign rally and a hostage video, declaring a “historic dawn of a new Middle East.”

Translation: he dusted off Biden's original peace plan, bullied some people into a shaky ceasefire, slapped his name on it, and called it peace.

Then, because no day is complete without a little corruption, King Don urged Israeli President Isaac Herzog to pardon Benjamin Netanyahu, who’s up to his hair plugs in criminal charges. According to Donny, the bribery and fraud accusations are “trivial.” (Of course he thinks so — corruption is practically his love language.)

And in between the lies, he found time to take his usual dump on Barack Obama and Joe Biden, while praising his dream team of yes-men: real estate hustler Steve Witkoff and Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the human embodiment of a beige necktie.

After the spectacle in Jerusalem, the Royal Grifter jetted off to Egypt for a photo op at a summit to “launch” his peace deal — a summit that mostly launched Donny’s ego into low Earth orbit. There, he signed the first phase of an agreement that supposedly transfers governance in Gaza from Hamas to a “Palestinian committee,” all under the watchful eye of something called the Board of Peace, which — shocker — will be chaired by King Don himself. Because of course it will. This is a man who’d chair the weather if he thought it could get him applause.

Oh, and guess who’s joining the Board of Peace? Tony Blair, the ghost of bad decisions past. Because nothing says “fresh start” like resurrecting the architect of the Iraq War to help run your new imperial fantasy project.

The Knesset gave Donny a standing ovation, which just proves that even parliaments aren’t immune to Stockholm syndrome. Meanwhile, the rest of the world rolled its eyes so hard it caused a minor earthquake.

But the pièce de résistance came when the Mad King bragged that his administration had “settled eight wars in eight months” and “obliterated Iran’s nuclear facilities.” Neither claim has a shred of evidence. Fact-checkers are already calling bullshit so loudly that you can hear it from Tel Aviv to Trump Tower. The only thing Donny’s obliterated is the truth, and he’s done it so thoroughly that even Orwell would’ve told him to tone it down.

So here we are: another international spectacle starring America’s favorite autocrat cosplay enthusiast — strutting around, rewriting history, and slapping his name on the world’s tragedies like they’re failing golf resorts.

King Don doesn’t want peace. He wants legacy. He wants statues, medals, a “Trump Tower Gaza” maybe — something shiny to distract from the corruption, the chaos, the crumbling democracy he left behind.