Day 233: The White House Circus: Signature Shenanigans and Judicial Jests

Donny’s Signature Problem

So the White House insists the letter in Epstein’s creepy little birthday scrapbook isn’t Donny’s. Sure. And Melania is living in the White House right now out of pure love and devotion.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt all but performed backflips to explain it away: “Fake! Forged! Fabricated!” She even offered an “expert review” of the signature — because nothing screams innocence like demanding handwriting analysis two decades after the fact.

Let’s just pause on the official story here. According to Donny’s team, some deep-state mastermind planted a forged Trump signature in Jeffrey Epstein’s 50th birthday book 20 years ago, then sat on it patiently until now. That’s just not a remotely credible alternative.

And yet the signature looks exactly like Trump’s from the early 2000s — the same sharpie-scrawl he’s plastered on everything from steaks to student Bibles. Unless Biden was secretly running a forgery workshop during the Bush years, the “hoax” excuse doesn’t pass the laugh test.

But the denial machine grinds on. Because if there’s one thing Donny can’t stand, it’s being caught in black-and-white — or in this case, pen-and-ink. The real horror for him isn’t that people might believe he wrote it. It’s that people might believe he wrote it and didn’t even bother to make it funny.

So what’ll it be, Donny? A forgery, a frame-up, or maybe the world’s longest-running hoax masterminded by Sleepy Joe, Hillary, and Barack? At this point, your defense makes less sense than your grass speeches.

One thing’s for sure: the more they scream “not his signature,” the more everyone’s zooming in and comparing. And surprise, surprise — it’s a match.

What Donny is going to keep searching for is a distraction - any distraction. Look out for it.

The Court of Shrugs

In an act of judicial gymnastics, Judge Kristen Simmons has decided that 15 people who signed fake documents declaring Donny the 2020 winner weren’t criminals, just… creative writers? Apparently, felony-level fraud is now rebranded as “exercising a constitutional right to seek redress.”

Translation: if you call your coup paperwork a “petition,” you’re golden.

Attorney General Dana Nessel tried to hold these democracy cosplayers accountable, but the court waved it off for lack of “intent.” Right — because nothing screams oopsie accident like a coordinated scheme to overthrow an election. Next time, just scrawl “LOL JK” at the bottom and you’ll be immune.

And as if that weren’t bad enough, the Michigan Supreme Court has refused to even hear Nessel’s appeal. Case closed, democracy shrugged.

The precedent is clear: forge electoral certificates, submit them as the will of the voters, and at worst you’ll get a stern finger-wag. But burn a ham sandwich in a protest march? Felony.

This ruling isn’t leniency — it’s an engraved invitation. It tells every future fake elector wannabe: “Go nuts, the courts have your back.” What we’re watching isn’t the justice system in action, it’s the justice system on vacation, sipping cocktails while democracy gets mugged in broad daylight.

The Don must be grinning ear to ear — not because he won in 2020 (he didn’t), but because his people just learned they can try it again in 2028 with a court-approved permission slip.

Surf & Turf Authoritarianism

Donny’s latest attempt at propaganda came with a side of stone crab. To prove how “safe” he’s made Washington, DC, The Don waddled into Joe’s Seafood with a dinner party straight out of a dystopian casting call: JD Vance, Stephen Miller, Pete “War Department” Hegseth, Marco Rubio, and compulsive liar and press secretary Karoline Leavitt. It's hard to conceive of worse company.

The point of the stunt? To show that, thanks to National Guard troops patrolling the capital, Donny can now eat overpriced steak without fear. Because apparently DC was previously such a warzone that no one could possibly survive the trek from Uber to hostess stand. Wild that any restaurant was still in business if that were true.

Protesters from Code Pink had other ideas, storming in with Palestinian flags and chants of “Free DC! Free Palestine! Trump is the Hitler of our time!” The Secret Service dragged them out.

So there you have it: Donny eating crab legs while troops with M4s march through the streets outside. Troops that are unnecessary and unwanted by virtually everyone. A perfect tableau of the regime — performative strength, terrible taste, and a dining table that looks like the Council of Villains.

Biden Did It™ — The Official White House Seal of Excuse

In Donny’s America, there’s a universal law: if it’s bad, it’s Biden’s fault. Hurricanes? Biden. The War in Ukraine? Biden. Downward revisions in job numbers? You guessed it — Biden.

The White House rolled out its latest revisionist history seminar this week, blaming former President Joe Biden for employment figures that were recently adjusted downward. Never mind that Donny has been president for almost nine months now — apparently, the ghost of Scranton Joe is still hiding in the Bureau of Labor Statistics, sneakily fiddling with spreadsheets.

It’s a deflection strategy so lazy it almost deserves applause. Why take responsibility for economic policies that might have tanked jobs when you can just dust off the old “Blame Biden” rubber stamp? Forget the complexities of global markets, trade wars, or fiscal clownery — the explanation is always simpler: Biden did it.

The Don gets to strut around bragging about “record highs” when numbers look good, and when they don’t? Well, clearly Biden time-traveled back to sabotage them.

If only the administration spent half as much energy fixing problems as it does assigning blame, maybe Americans wouldn’t feel like they’re living in a satire about governance. But hey — at least the messaging is consistent. Welcome to the land of Biden Did It™, where accountability goes to die and revisionism gets a standing ovation.