Day 295: The King's Calamitous Chronicles: Magnets, Memos, and Malarkey

Nobody Knows What Magnets Are”: Donny Declares War on Science, Again

At a press conference today, Donny stood before the nation and announced, with total confidence, that “nobody knows what magnets are.”

Yes, magnets. The same invisible forces that hold your fridge poetry in place and keep your phone speakers working — those mysterious, unknowable entities that have apparently baffled the world’s greatest minds… and also Donald J. Trump, and not for the first time either.

Donny, puffed up with his usual mix of delusion and bravado, went on to tout what he called an “unbelievable deal” with China to secure rare earth magnets, claiming it had “made peace” and would soon lead to “so many magnets, you won’t believe it.”

That’s right: world peace through magnets.

Critics, scientists, and sentient adults everywhere immediately began mocking the remarks, with one physicist on Nazi hangout X/Twitter dryly noting, “We actually do know what magnets are — and none of it involves Donald Trump’s trade policy.”

The episode fits perfectly into Donny's ever-expanding highlight reel of scientific gibberish, joining classics like “raking the forests” to stop wildfires and “injecting bleach” to cure COVID. Each time he opens his mouth, reality takes another step back and mutters, “I’m out.”

Naturally, the White House offered no clarification, likely because there isn’t one. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt reportedly refused to elaborate, muttering something about “magnet energy” and “global supply chains” before abruptly ending the briefing — perhaps realizing that trying to explain Trump’s brain is an exercise in quantum impossibility.

Meanwhile, the internet erupted in predictable fashion. Within hours, hashtags like #MagnetGate, #NobodyKnows, and #Magneto2025 were trending, with memes depicting The Don in a tinfoil helmet, attempting to “harness the magnet power.”

One late-night host summed it up best:

“We’re being governed by a man who thinks magnets are some kind of sorcery. I can’t wait for him to discover gravity and demand credit for inventing it.”

At this point, the question isn’t whether The Don understands science — it’s whether he understands anything. His confusion about basic principles of physics mirrors his confusion about government, law, and morality.

Donny has previously ranted, multiple-times, about how magnets "don't work" when wet. Er no.

Once again, the self-proclaimed “stable genius” has proven that his only consistent field of study is bullshit.

And while the rest of us live in a world defined by logic and evidence, The Don inhabits a parallel universe — where magnets are mysteries, science is fake news, and every incoherent sentence is greeted with applause from a base that thinks ignorance is patriotism.

In Trump’s America, magnets attract stupidity — and business is booming.

Donny Threatens to Sue the BBC for $1 Billion

In his never-ending crusade to protect “free speech” — meaning, his speech and only his speech — Donny has threatened to sue the BBC for a cool $1 billion over a documentary that dared to edit his January 6th rally remarks.

Apparently, nothing offends The Don’s delicate sensibilities quite like being quoted accurately — or edited in any way that doesn’t make him look like the second coming of Lincoln.

His legal team has reportedly demanded that the BBC retract the “offensive” documentary by Friday or face the wrath of yet another Trump lawsuit, which, based on historical precedent, is likely to end up in the same pile as Trump University, the Trump Foundation, and the Trump Organization’s “accounting mistakes.”

The BBC, maintaining its stiff upper lip, acknowledged receipt of the legal threat and said it would “respond in due course” — the diplomatic equivalent of rolling its eyes and getting back to work.

Then, in an almost Shakespearean twist, BBC Director General Tim Davie and News CEO Deborah Turness both resigned following the leak of an internal report allegedly criticizing the network’s coverage of transgender issues, Gaza, and — you guessed it — Donny.

While the BBC hasn’t released the report, the timing was pure catnip for The Don, who immediately took to Truth Social to bask in the glory of imagined vindication:

“Thank you to The Telegraph for exposing these Corrupt ‘Journalists.’ These are very dishonest people who tried to step on the scales of a Presidential Election. On top of everything else, they are from a Foreign Country, one that many consider our Number One Ally. What a terrible thing for Democracy!”

Ah yes, nothing screams concern for democracy quite like threatening a foreign press organization with a billion-dollar lawsuit for not genuflecting hard enough. It’s a masterclass in projection — the same man who calls the press “the enemy of the people” now pretending to defend democratic principles from across the Atlantic. You almost have to admire the audacity.

The Don’s legal tantrum is the latest in his long-running feud with reality-based media. He’s previously attacked CNN, NBC, The Washington Post, and anyone else who’s ever printed a fact. The BBC is just the newest addition to the ever-growing list of institutions that have had the temerity to air footage of him saying… well, the things he actually said.

Observers suspect this is less about journalistic integrity and more about ego management, as Donny continues his global tour of grievance, ensuring no newsroom — not even one headquartered in London — is safe from his performative outrage.

So here we are again: a president shutting down the government at home, suing journalists abroad, and lecturing the world about democracy.

If irony were a renewable resource, we could power the new Trump-branded ballroom at the White House for a century.

The Don Appeals to the Supremes: A Last-Ditch Effort to Erase Accountability

In a final act of desperation, Donny’s legal team has petitioned the Supreme Court to overturn the jury verdict that found him liable for sexually assaulting writer E. Jean Carroll in the mid-1990s and then defaming her for daring to speak the truth.

The Don’s lawyers, in a filing that reads more like a conspiracy manifesto than a legal brief, insist the trial was a “sham”, claiming that the evidence was “inflammatory” and that the judge “manipulated” federal evidence rules to favor Carroll’s “implausible” allegations.

Apparently, in Trumpworld, every court that holds him accountable is crooked, every judge is biased, and every woman who accuses him is lying — except, of course, when he’s bragging about doing exactly what he’s accused of on national television.

This latest move isn’t about justice; it’s about rewriting history — about clawing back the illusion of innocence that even his most fervent supporters know no longer exists. It’s a legal Hail Mary from a man who has spent his entire career running from consequences and treating the courts like just another stage for his endless victimhood act.

The Supreme Court, now dominated by justices he helped appoint, faces a crucial test: whether to uphold the rule of law or indulge the delusions of the man who believes himself above it. To take up this appeal would not only insult the jurors who rendered a clear, evidence-based verdict, but it would signal that presidential impunity extends beyond office — into eternity.

And does anyone have even the slightest doubt which way they'll side? They've persistently, and shamelessly done Donny's bidding from day one.

The Don’s long record of dodging accountability — from Trump University and the Trump Foundation to election interference and the classified documents scandal — has always followed the same playbook: deny, deflect, and delay. This appeal is no different.

But this case stands apart. Because at its core, it’s not just about Donny reputation — it’s about whether the American justice system can withstand a man who treats truth as optional and the law as negotiable.

As one legal analyst put it, “This isn’t an appeal; it’s a tantrum in legal form.”

And like every Trump tantrum, it comes wrapped in self-pity, conspiracy, and a total absence of shame.

If the Supreme Court entertains this farce, it risks confirming the very fear that’s haunted American democracy since 2016: that there are two systems of justice — one for everyone else, and one for The Don.

For now, the nation waits to see whether the highest court in the land will stand firm or bend, once again, to the gravitational pull of Donny's bottomless ego.

Either way, one truth remains inescapable: the man who spent a lifetime avoiding accountability is running out of places to hide.